Darker Days

There are these darker days.

Days when I wonder what it would be like to ship him off to boarding school.

When I wonder if I could ever give him up for adoption.

When I think that I am wholly, truly, totally at the end of myself. That it’s my existence or his. That I don’t know how to do this and survive and help him survive.

This sounds extreme, I know. But the endless strain… the grief of seeing your child hurt your other child and having to be the protector many times a day… The anxiety of wondering who he will hurt or if he will hurt himself… The pain of believing there is a kid inside of there who truly wants to love and be loved, but there are so many layers of destruction and malice on top of that you can’t be totally sure.

These are my darker days.