Surprising compassion

Surprising compassion

There are many, many moments when I am bereft of compassion towards My son. Today I experienced a rare moment of the opposite: understanding and empathy for my boy. (It helps that he had a super sweet moment of tenderness toward me last night. Just to give you an idea of the whiplash that is being his mom, about an hour before the tender moment he called me a fucking bitch. So, baby steps.)

My eldest son has been super motivated to earn a new Nintendo switch game. He knew clear ahead of time that cooperating with an evaluation would achieve that goal, and he even put $30 of his saved money toward it. He finished his lessons for the day in record time and with reasonable effort, we went on a mile walk, and had a pretty pleasant experience overall. He cooperated during his 3 hour appointment nearly the entire time… until the evaluator discovered a dead frog in his pocket. Now in his defense, the frog was alive when he put it in his pocket. And in my defense, I didn’t know he brought it inside! But she freaked out and started yelling, which set him off in a major way to where he was reacting— not choosing the next move. He sprayed hand sanitizer in her face and ran out of the office, prompting her to call me to come get him immediately. 

Ordinary parenting techniques would say that he didn’t keep his end of the bargain, so I shouldn’t get him the reward. I was really, really torn. He started bawling on our way to the car: “I did my BEST and it wasn’t enough!”

His dejection hit me deep.

This kid is struggling with something so much bigger than he is. I called my husband, and together we arrived at the conclusion that typical if/then scenarios don’t really apply here. I fully believe that he did his level best, not just in the appointment but the night before and earlier today. And I wanted to reward his effort. Because if he loses hope, if he gives up trying… well, I don’t want to think about it.

So I abandoned what I would do with a kid like me and tried to parent the kid that I have in a way that will help him grow. I thank God for the empathy that surfaced today— and pray for more of that in the days to come.