I Didn’t Ask for This

I didn’t ask for this.

Yes, I wanted to be a mother.

Yes, I wanted to nurture another human and share my love and wisdom.

I did NOT ask for trauma that stems from my own offspring. I did not ask for the deep fracture of my own family that stems from our love of one another and our experience of deep wounds from a mentally ill family member.

When you dream of your life, you imagine struggles like your kids sneaking out to go drinking at parties, or kids who break their legs climbing trees against your wishes. You never imagine your own child wrapping a string around your other son’s neck as a matter of course, sending you over the edge and doubting everything you’ve ever known.

This is how we end up at the hospital.

This is how we end up back at home, with no plan, no consequence effective enough, no conversation lasting.

I do believe that my voice matters. But right now, I don’t believe anything I have to say matters to him.